Rising East Online

Talkin’ ‘bout re generation – The Who or, in this case, The What

Captain Nemesis

The question is often asked: what is regeneration? The “I’m so glad you asked me that” school of thinking has several well-tried answers. Never you mind, you’re too young. Ask your father. It’s when Government’s tickle stick touches the private sector’s tummy button and later on thousands of two bedroom apartments sprout up everywhere. These are all popular.

The Pathetic Fallacists argue that it is a shy beast, native to Thames Gateway, only seen by the sharpest-eyed observer. They mainly hang around in sad and boggy places looking at maps and joining up the Godots. Regeneration theologians opine in physical form it is a false god or no god at all – a chimaera, an ignis fatuus – and obviously it’s all around us and in us and beyond our understanding. So the important thing is to write creeds and litanies – or plans and strategies as they are sometimes called. Confusionists and Profusionists assert that meaning sometimes hard to discern is. “Sorrows when come spies battalions come single not they” – thus Master Yoda reciting Hamlet. Hence it is all very difficult and the important thing is to go to meetings to elaborate on that difficulty in case some aspect of difficulty has been over-looked and under-repeated.

Nietzsche had the right idea: when I go to regeneration, I take my walnut whip. Thus, with the Nutella of truth in mind, Nemesis can cut through the lacey guff of dissimulation to unmask the bare piano leg. It’s like this:

Start with LP1 and proceed directly to LDF. To acquire LDF, prepare the necessary pre-documentation. Discard your UDP in 2007. En passant, note the SRDF. If your LSP has NRF, you may have LEGI. In any event, you will need LAA and a good CPA. Have regard to your HEI and its QAA. HEIF2 is potentially very helpful in terms of increasing local RI from 1.9 to 2.5 by 2014, especially if combined with ERDF and remnants of SRB while HEIF3 et seq may profitably fit with LDAOF (replaces LDA2 – do pay attention). If you have UDC, or not depending on ODPM, you will have an RF, but you may have one anyway. Consult your TGDU and ensure they are talking to TGSU. The TFL programme is fixed apart from TGB, so you’ll have to make the best of that. TN5 and CTRL are on their way, so factor these in. CR isn’t and depends on HMG which is, at worst, hopelessly unreliable. You will have an FEC, whose funding will be subject to LSC – ignore STAR though, this is a cul-de-sac. Like SHA and PCT, LSC is changing and will be different next year. Do work with RSLs and do not underestimate JC+. GOL may be able to help if it isn’t swallowed by GLA. GtL, TL, VL, BL4L, MAS and GTI are prospectively all helpful, but it is important to understand how they relate to your requirements. Anticipate LP2. Also, look out for any OAP framework. It may be difficult to understand how MISC22, TGSP, TGSE, LTGDC and LTGPB fit together – don’t worry, no-one else does either. Do not consult MP, MEP, or MLA – they won’t know. ODA and LOCOG will arrive shortly to assist with LLV. Do not discount LVRPA. UF manages the AP in ULV, but TGLP performs this function for IE and OT. ALG has a role and you may need to consider GLE. EU RTD6/7 is obscure but worth exploring. CKE may be able to help here, alongside N4G. So that’s clear.

Now, the brighter amongst you will have had no problem in deciphering all this. It’s obvious enough. For the rest, except for the reader in the third row (yes, you), it probably isn’t your personal inadequacy which makes this a tad challenging. [NB Don’t see a doctor. The NHS doesn’t understand regeneration and is prone to believing that public health is all a matter of statistics which exemplify with ever increasing accuracy just how big the problem is. It is permissible to worship GLA Economics though.] You merely have to devote 10 or 20 years of your life to this stuff and it will be like stealing sweets from Rebekah Wade. On second thoughts…

So, regeneration, the fad that launched a thousand grants. What is she that all her lovers commend her so? Well, Nemesis has created a handy equation which will make this much, much easier to understand:

Simply insert the right numbers (Nemesis wouldn’t insult your intelligence by reminding you what they are) and bingo. Two fat ladies. Or, to put it another way:

• Rethink the purpose of place in anticipation of the 21^st century, not reminiscence of the 19 th.
• Do nothing till, like Maya Angelou, you know why the transport sings.
• Think global jobs for global people, not local jobs for local people.
• What is there about the place that attracts capital in any form and does so better than other areas for at least some significant scale activities? If you can’t answer this question, you’re screwed. If the answer is China, seek medical help.
• Sustainability means that development reduces London’s ecological footprint (currently twice the size of the UK) and increases biodiversity. Anything else is Teapotology of the chocolate kind.

Post Scriptum – Attentive readers will have noticed that Nemesis’ animadversions against the notion that fiddling with organisations equates to beneficial change were prescient as regards both the Learning & Skills Council and the NHS. Government has had another outbreak of Restructuring Tourette’s to make sure that any accidental build up of expertise, trust, quality of relationship, understanding or effectiveness of action is hastily eliminated. Next up, why leadership is a curse and life under Jobber the Hutton.

Captain Nemesis is your pilot through the Thames Gateway.

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